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When will I be able to control my own mind?


When will I be able to control my own mind?

Lost in my mind, I am swarmed by my thoughts,
Incessant thoughts spinning around me like a tornado of worry and doubt.
Bumping me left and right, up and down.
I dream of a mind as peaceful as a meadow,
as clear as a river,
as calm as a lake.
A mind where my thoughts flow easily,
where my thoughts don’t bombard me
but inspire me.
Instead, I am in the middle of the traffic of my mind,
thoughts like cars rushing by, or completely stopped.
Thoughts that cause me to curl up
and hide.
I grow exhausted from the constant train of judgement that has no purpose but to hurt me.
Thoughts that hurt me.
My own thoughts hurting me.
When will I be able to control my own mind?
When will peace fall upon my eyes?
I long for that clear river in my mind,
where worry washes away clean and hope springs forth.
I take a deep breath and try to fall into a deep slumber, like I am falling from the sky.
Falling away from my thoughts and into an abyss of freedom from myself.
But once again, I am lost in my mind.
Thoughts swarming around me,
thoughts forever consuming me.